As families face life's difficult challenges, it's important to understand the function of family roles and that it's okay to let those roles change.
For 23 years my dad worked in agriculture. The last 15 of those years he farmed potatoes. Farming is not a 9 to 5 job with loads of vacation time, so he wasn’t around a whole lot. He was always gone before I got up to leave for school and came home an hour or two before I went to bed. The farm was only 10 minutes away, though, so despite being very busy he was very much present for different activities and events. He would come to practically every basketball, soccer, or volleyball game us kids had, and some away ones too. I think we were used to his schedule but it could be hard on my mom sometimes. She often referred to herself as a “farmer’s widow” 10 months out of every year. I am sure other families with a working parent that travels or works long days could say the same thing. My mom was a trooper, though, and my parents seemed to juggle the responsibilities of raising 6 kids one way or another.
A little over 4 years ago our time as farmers came to an end, my dad found a new job, and we moved. He now owns and operates a FedEx Ground route in northern Nevada, but did we move to Nevada? Nope! We live 3+ hours away from where he works, which means he is gone a lot more now than when he was farming.
This past week I've learned about family systems theories and family roles. Ernest Burgess, a sociologist, referred to the family as "a unity of interacting personalities...it is a living, growing superpersonality that has as its essence the interaction of its members." Over time, family members take on different roles such as the mediator, the leader, and the comedian or "class clown". As families go through the many challenges that life throws at them, these roles might change. I once heard of the family unit being compared to a mobile that hangs over a baby's crib. All the pieces are connected, so if one is moved or affected all others move as well. The rippling effects of life's toughest challenges can either make or break a family.
My family is by no means perfect, but I believe the way we've adapted over the years with new challenges and circumstances and the perspective my parents have maintained towards their roles and responsibilities could set an example for others who might have similar experiences with a parent being gone a lot.
"The key to a happy marriage and family is choice. We have to choose success and happiness every day."
As far as family roles go, with my dad being gone 5-6 days out of the week, my parents have established a balance that was necessary for their marriage and their family’s healthy and successful progression. Family roles can change based on circumstances and positive/negative feedback. Most of the time these changes seem to happen automatically. There’s been times where all of us kids have stepped up in a way to take on other roles and responsibilities that usually might’ve fallen on someone else. Now that my dad works in Nevada we have all come to an understanding of the limited time we get to spend with him on the weekends, so no one throws a fit when plans have to change to best fit the entire family's needs and not just individual needs.
When I talked to my mom about her feelings towards the shift of roles over the years she said, “The key to a happy marriage and family is choice. We have to choose success and happiness every day. Desire for success is what motivates that choice.” For my mom, keeping her marriage and family going is more important than anything else in the world, so adapting to her husband's career and taking on another role or allowing one of her kids to do so happens quite naturally.
Additionally, our family's faith in the gospel of Jesus Christ has given us an eternal perspective. My parents know that God plays an important role in their marriage, so being able to go to Him for help and guidance has been a huge blessing for their family.
Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of bumps along the way and what has worked for my parents may not work for others, but something that I believe makes a world of difference is accepting the idea that success is not about a husband and wife having an equal list of roles and responsibilities, rather, it's about putting forth equal effort in making things work.
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