Dating culture has changed a lot in recent years, and the way most people date today is not exactly conducive to healthy and long-lasting relationships.
Nowadays, more and more people are choosing to postpone marriage and family responsibilities to finish college, make a living, or just be independent. That’s obviously not the case with everyone. I believe there are plenty of young adults who like to date, not just because it’s fun but because they have the end goal of marriage in mind. So, does this trending choice made by their possible dating prospects to put off getting hitched affect them? It shouldn’t, right? According to the Pew Research Center, “most daters say their dating lives aren’t going well and it’s difficult to find people to date.”
Not finding success in the dating world could be caused by a lot of things. I believe that in recent years the definition of “dating” itself has changed and has become something more serious than it originally was, which means that boys and girls who want to do something casual together just hang out. There’s no problem with hanging out, but since it has practically replaced dating on college campuses and amongst young adults in general it does cause a problem for those who would like to date.
Hanging out in groups poses a threat to dating because dating is not a team sport. If you want to get to know someone then you need to pair off with them, plan an activity, and pay for it if need be. Group dates are fun and a great way to ease the awkward first-date-tension, but if none of the three P’s (pair off, plan, and pay) take place, it’s just hanging out.
People shouldn’t date just for the heck of it, though. There’s a few things worth knowing when it comes to dating so that you can end up in the healthiest and happiest relationship possible. First, there are distinctive steps in a relationship: dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage. Today, the lines have been blurred meaning that couples sort of slide from one step to the next either too quickly or without enough recognition towards the serious steps they are taking. John Van Epp, a psychologist and author of the book How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk, says that it takes at least 3 months to even begin to know someone and that getting to know someone requires togetherness, talk, and time.
Another important thing to be aware of while dating is the Relationship Attachment Model which was also created by John Van Epp. The idea of this model is that a healthy relationship should progress left to right, meaning that as you get to know someone more and more then your trust in them goes up and then your commitment to them grows and so on. Relationships that begin with too much physical touch skew the model and couples get attached too quickly and not for the right reasons.
A good example of skewing the model is the short love story of Anna and Hans from the movie Frozen. Their relationship started off with way too much commitment and trust. Anna felt like she had found the love of her life but soon found out that Hans was not the guy for her. In fact, he was only using her to get her kingdom, which doesn’t really happen in real life that often, so maybe it’s not a good example, but you get the point.
But if we look at a relationship like Belle and the Beast’s (does he have a name other than Beast?) we can see that they lived happily ever after because they followed the Relationship Attachment Model perfectly by first getting to know each other and letting trust, commitment, and physical touch follow.
As I said before, there are lots of things that make it hard for people to date. But when and if that time comes, understanding things like the Relationship Attachment Model and the four distinctive steps (dating, courtship, engagement, and marriage) help foster healthy and long-lasting relationships. Also, it’s important that young adults try casual dating instead of hanging out casually so that hopefully a culture centered on marriage and family can be restored.
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